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Fun sexual positions3/21/2024 What do you do when you’re in a long distance relationship and you need to have Skype sex with your paramour from across the country, or from like a few blocks away? You sit on your laptop and pretend it’s their bare-skinned crotch! It’s warm. So how do you make it more exciting? Add in Pictionary and have your sexual relations in complete silence! Is one spot really working for you and you’d like your partner to know? Great! Draw that shit out! Communicate non-verbally! Make them GUESS what you want. “The Missionary Position” is thought by many to be boring, predictable, and unimaginative. Then stir your (cooled) tea with his dink. Identical to regular spooning but handle each other’s bodies in a more gentle, more expensive, and more impractical way. I’m getting turned on just writing these! Bonus points for anyone who can appropriately use: “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” Some events to get you started: Richard Nixon becomes President, Woodstock happens, Wal-Mart incorporates as Wal-Mart Stores, Inc. The nostalgia will make you climax ten times harder. Perform oral sex on each other while shouting out stuff that happened in 1969. You can do this in the same bed or in different rooms. ![]() You and your lover each imitate a titillating napping tiger for about two hours. Isn’t… this… wild?” If you can’t come up with some original nasty dialogue then simply recite any Mister Ed quote.įorget the painstaking, acrobatic sexual position of “The Bridge” and bring on the enjoyable game of “The Cribbage.” Strip down, sit down, stick a cribbage board between you, and deal out the cards… slowly. Increase the level of pleasure with a little dirty talk, along the lines of “I’m half a horse and I can talk. If they do hot stuff to you, you do hot stuff to them, just as god intended.Ī version of the classic “The Rocking Horse” position, “The Talking Horse” is exactly the same EXCEPT you wear a horse mask the entire time. The other name for this position is “don’t be an asshole.” It’s an umbrella term for a plethora of sub-positions and in each sub-position you reciprocate said sub-position instead of being a selfish prick. A deep, long, stare and pretend that starring has the power of sperm-darts. Basically, sit in front of your partner and stare at them. Eye sex… minus the sperm darts ‘cause those don’t exist in us. They find sexual partners and engage in killer eye sex. Although they’re hermaphrodites they do not impregnate themselves. What is “snail style”? Well, snails mate by shooting a sharp-tipped sperm dart from the backs of their eyes (the location of their genitals) into the uterus of the other snail. Instead of the usual “Doggy Style” give “Snail Style” a shot. It is a literal burrito and/or taco (a literal taco). To clarify, the burrito is not a metaphor for a penis. It is whatever feels good to you, and you usually have a wide choice of ingredients. You’re probably wondering what a “burrito” is. You take off your clothes, get under the covers, lay on your back either to the LEFT or the RIGHT of your beau, and then you proceed to eat a burrito or multiple burritos. This one is relatively complicated so bear with me. ![]() I encourage you to explore and find the answer for yourself! If you’re currently asking “but how can we BOTH be on top? Does that make sense? I don’t think it does?” That’s a great question. You should each take the reins and ride the horse of superiority. You’re both paid the same amount in this fantasy world. Why should one of you be on top and not the other? I reject harmful labels like “Cowgirl” and “Cowboy.” In this posish, neither of you dominates the other and gender is irrelevant. All I ask for in return is that you call out my full name during your fornication (my middle initial is M). ”Wow Jess, this sounds ideal! I also want to have a good time while disappointing my partners,” I hear you saying, and I encourage you to benefit from my guaranteed orgasm-inducing and/or repelling moves too. ![]() Now, after attempting these positions with humans there is a chance that the responses will be less “oh yeah, that feels good, I like that one” and more “umm, why is your foot there? Do I smell guacamole? Where did that zebra print neck pillow come from?” But I’ve learned over the years that you gotta take risks in life and if I’m having fun that’s all that matters. Secondly, I’m going to begin employing the list of below unique sexual positions that I just made up and that no one else will be familiar with, especially not the people I “intercourse.” Thirdly, I’m going to use intercourse as a verb. How am I going to accomplish this? Firstly, I’m going to continue using the above deeply arousing terminology (“clog dancing,” “boudoir,” “drifts”). I’d like to add a bit of cayenne pepper to my horizontal clog dancing, if you catch my drift. I decided recently that I want to spice things up in the old boudoir.
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